Debbie Ainsworth

Blog

  • Leaving the Past in the Past

    Yesterday I received an invitation to a gathering of old high school companions. It was actually taking place on my birthday. I turned it down. I made excuses about why because the truth would only cause hurt feelings and why should I ruin the day of women, even those I don’t like, when they’re not a part of my life. I don’t see them. I don’t talk to them. I have my reasons for staying away from two of the women, but I don’t hate either of them and have no desire to hurt them over past hurts they’ve dealt me. So, I lied.

    One of the things I’m struggling with in this year of struggles is leaving the past in the past. I continue to beat myself up over things that are decades old. Jesus forgives me, so I need to learn to forgive myself as well as others. Let old hurts lay, but that doesn’t mean I have to share time with people who just aren’t worth it. It’s not about them, it’s about me.  

    So, what about the rest of the group? The last time I attended a get together one woman kept talking about how miserable her life was and is. I don’t want to hear that. That was seven or eight years ago and I vowed never to endure something like that again.

    I’m in my sixties now. There are more years behind me than ahead of me. Those women, all of them, they can have part of the past. It’s theirs. Keep it. Now, I value peace. I seek harmony. I have no obligation to the past and I don’t have to grant past acquaintances access to my present.

  • Goodbye Mom

    My mother died on this day, December 15, 2025. She was my whole world. We’ve been sharing a home for the last 30 years. And now I have to move forward, alone.  (I’m actually making this post in September of 2026, but I wanted to commemorate this day.)

    Since the day my mother left this world, I’ve been struggling. Of course there’s been the legal stuff to deal with. Getting everything put into my name. Taxes. Insurance. And then there was clearing the house of Mom’s things. I setup a meeting here for my family and laid out all of Mom’s treasures for my sisters and nieces to choose from. They took most of it, which is good. Some of it was hard to part with, but the truth of the matter is that I have no one to leave these things to. This way, they continue within the family. 

    Most of the rest of it I donated to charity. One thing that clearing out a house after someone has passed is it makes you not want to leave that burden to others when your own time comes. At least that’s what it did for me. 

    We had my Mom’s celebration of life in July right after the Fourth. It was held at a local restaurant we all gather in for Christmas each year. I printed out some pictures. My sister bought some lovely colorful flower bouquets. And my niece put together a slide show. 

    Everyone was worried that it would be sad. But I made sure it wasn’t. I’m very proud of the way it turned out. It was loving. It was joyful. And Mom would have absolutely loved it. 

    Later that month my little dog Baxter died. He had a heart murmur and it got really bad really fast. Baxter had been my rock after losing Mom. Now, I’m truly alone.

    I can say that if Jesus had not come into my life about two years prior to losing my mother, I would not have been able to get through all of this. One thing I always envied my religious friends is the comfort they took in God during times of loss and trouble. I experienced it for myself. And it truly is a great, great comfort. Words fail.

    So, now it’s September and I’m trying to start over. I’ve come to accept that I’m not a priority in anyone’s life anymore. I think I may have become a burden to my family. I didn’t mean to. My sisters have all got husbands and children and even grandchildren. Their lives are full and they just don’t have time for me. Mom worried about this happening. She made one of my sisters promise that she’d never let me be alone. She tried, but it’s just not feasible.  

    I’ve determined to spend this year’s holiday season alone. I will refuse any invitations, but I’m not really expecting any. I plan to order a couple of Thanksgiving plates from a local restaurant. One to eat that day, the other to be leftovers. I might cook for myself for Christmas. I’m not sure. And I’ll be ringing in the New Year alone. 

    But, I do have plans. I sold my car to use my Mom’s instead. I’m selling the furniture I won’t be using. I’m getting the house renovated. Yesterday, I picked up paint samples. I’m turning 65 this year, so I had to wade through all of the Medicare information and picked a plan. I’m planning on starting on a new GLP-1 plan so that I can lose some weight. Once the house is done, I’m going to get another dog. I miss my Bax man, but I don’t want to be completely alone. Pets are such great companions. They make a world of difference. 

    I’m afraid as I venture forward. I pray to Jesus to give me strength to get through it. I have to be brave. I have to do things for myself, because there isn’t anyone else. I can do it. Pray for me.